Hitler Is A Busboy

Now that I have caught your eye, I promise that I won't be like the 10 o'clock news and promise the film footage of an amazing story just to make you watch for 45 minutes and then give you a 15 second meaningless blurb to make you regret the 45 minutes you just wasted of which you will never get back again. I will deliver...sort of. Be forewarned my opinion on the following may get you pissed and want to break off communications, un-follow me or disown me (if you are family).

In my opinion, there are religions whose beliefs go beyond rational thinking. However, that doesn't stop any of them from having billions of followers. Let me illustrate.

In Abrahamic religions, the view is generally held that one goes to hell or heaven depending on one's deeds or faith while on Earth, or predestination and Unconditional election, or to the intermediate state to await the Resurrection of the Dead.

In most denominations, heaven is a condition of reward for the righteous to go after they die, traditionally defined as eternal union with God.

In contrast to heaven, hell is a condition of punishment and torment for the wicked, traditionally defined as eternal separation from God and confinement with other sinful souls and fallen angels. (Wikipedia)

That's a lot to take in. Basically, if you are good - Heaven; bad - Hell.

Christianity is the world's largest religion, with about 2.4 billion adherents. (Wikipedia) I don't know if I believe that. I think there's a better chance that whatever the majority of Chinese in China believe may have that number beat. Most Christians believe in Heaven and Hell. The Roman Catholic (RC) denomination has two extra categories. Purgatory and Limbo. (I thought Limbo was a party game/dance.) Limbo, though synonymous with the RC has been known to be accepted by other Christian factions, is a place where the unbaptized through no fault of their own get to go after death because they haven't met the criteria to go to either Heaven or Hell, because they have "original sin". (Really? You're born broken and already stained? Well, that's just plain wrong! It sounds like a punishment to me. Leave it to the RC to make life suck from the start.) Purgatory, which is strictly a RC phenomenon, is a place you go, again because you haven't met the criteria, because of a lacking of a "cleansed soul" (i.e., sins forgiven through making a deathbed confession). It sounds a little like you go here for a while (sort of like the penalty box in Hockey). After a certain time of redemption, you get to go to Heaven, assuming you've led a virtuous life. (Again, I cry Balderdash! Lame!!)

Christ in Limbo (c. 1575) by an anonymous follower of Hieronymus Bosch

Not all Christian factions agree to the Heaven and Hell concept. Religions such as the Seventh-day Adventists and Jehovah's Witnesses hold to Heaven but not Hell and that those who don't qualify for Heaven just stop existing. They don't exist in any form in the afterlife. (Makes sense to me and is most cost efficient. Just look at what it costs to keep heinous murderers alive in prisons for years and years compared to the quick and low cost to legally euthanize them (humanely or inhumanely). (Who cares? They never cared about the humane treatment of their victims.) [Yes. I am for the Death Penalty...and Abortion!]

The Old Testament speaks of Sheol, a place for the dead. The traditional biblical interpretations explain that Sheol is a grim and desolated land below, occupied by the dead who continue their colorless existence irrespective of their earthly conduct. (Wikipedia) Yay! That sounds like fun. Sign me up.

According to the Quran, Muslims believe in life after death, but it doesn't necessarily state that there's a Heaven and/or Hell, just that those will be punished for their evil deeds. Those who have martyred themselves for Allah are rewarded. Muslims believe that the present life is a trial in preparation for the next realm of existence. The very fact that all the Prophets of God have dealt with this metaphysical question of life after death so confidently and so uniformly - the gap between their ages in some cases, being thousands of years - goes to prove that the source of their knowledge of life after death as proclaimed by them all, was the same, i.e. Divine revelation. (Islam-guide.com) (More hooey, if you ask me.) However, there is this thing that has been going around since 9/11 about the "Jihad martyrs" and their 72 Virgins in Paradise. It is believed that it is true by Quran scholars and holy men. But no one realized that this was what was waiting for them in Paradise.

So...I didn't want this to turn into a theology lesson taught by an Atheist. This is supposed to be a little entertaining and lot of irreverent. That's how I roll. Let's focus on the concept of "No Hell". What happens to the evil/bad people when they die?

Here's what I think should happen. (Again, let's suspend my disbelief in the hereafter for grins and giggles, OK?) If all good, kind, gentle and virtuous people (I'm paraphrasing here) shall inherit Heaven (Earth, to borrow the concept from the New Testament, Matthew 5:5), then the truly despicable, horrible, murderous, lustful, deceitful, thieving scum of the Earth...SHOULD be their SERVANTS!!! (Here's where the title comes back around full circle.)

Imagine. You are standing in a massive cathedral-like dining hall. There are 20 million people plus having dinner, or lunch, or breakfast. And there's just one busboy who has to serve and clean-up after them all. You guessed it. ADOLPH HITLER.

What a wonderful sight that would be? Can you say "shit a brick"? His serving doesn't stop at the Dining Hall either. Oh, no! He'd have to launder all their clothes, clean their homes (because in Heaven, we all live in McMansions), and take care of their every whim. In a different part of the same dining hall there's a little over 3,000 people being treated in the same fashion by 19 Middle Eastern Assholes. Also, people like Ted Bundy, John Wayne Gacy, Gary Ridgway and the like would be doing the same dance for all their victims. For Ted and Gary that means dealing with a whole lot of female mood swings. I mean, oh...a whole lot. You do the math. Ohhh, boy! And if you think that that's it. Not by a long shot. Imagine that all these evil bastards have to live together in a cramped one room apartment (like Mexican or Haitian or Vietnamese refugees) with no running water, a toilet that won't flush, rotting inedible food, Rap music playing next door nonstop night and day and never having the time to sleep or enjoy the afterlife...and a day lasts 9,999,999,999 hours. Now that would be my concept of Heaven for the "Evil Ones". Of course, if I'm all wrong about the No Heaven thing, I'll probably be sharing that bedbug infested cot with 'Dolph or roasting marshmallows in Hell with Beelzebub. (But if the Hindus are correct, maybe I'll get to lay on the rock in Polar Circle next to my sister at the Central Park Zoo.)