Girth From Birth

Recently, I saw, through Facebook, a posting about Louie CK's Louie television program on FX.  I never watched the program.  I have tried watching Louie on several other renditions of his shows in the past and found him unfunny and not entertaining.  I sort of see him as the Anti-Seinfeld or Anti-Larry David.  Both who I find very funny and talented.  It appears on a recent episode of Louie he delves into the issue of fat girls in our dating society.  I can't say that the nearly 7 minute rant of the actress playing the fat girl hit the mark, but it was interesting and thought provoking, but as usual did not have me rolling around on the floor of my office.  (It was lunch time and I can do what I want.  Don't judge me.!!)  See for yourself.  The video is on Youtube and is attached to Allen St. Johns' Forbes article.  St. John goes on to say, "It’s one of the most brutally honest moments of television I can recall."  I don't know about that.  There's been some serious shit that has been on TV for the last 60 plus years that can rival Louie CK's fat girl soliloquy, which he is credited for writing.  The girl herself seems like a decent actress.  I'd throw her one.  She's not a complete 2.  Then again I'm more a one and a half and would be thankful for anything 2 or above.  If she lost 20 pounds, she'd be a solid 4 and totally out of my league.

Of course, all this fat talk woke the evil Tom that sleeps soundly until I see or read something that makes me want to reach through the medium and choke the shit out of someone.  I started thinking of women I've known or heard about who don't embrace themselves and who has asked me, or any man, woman or space creature or even a complete stranger, "Does this dress/pants/top/Moo-moo, whatever make me look FAAAAAAAAT?"  So to those overly self absorbed and self conscious drama queens I have a list of answers that everyone should feel free to use the next time this happens to you.

"Does this [garment name] make me look fat?"

1. Nooooo.  It's the 3rd or 4th trip to the buffet that's doing it.
2. Nooooo.  It's these glasses of mine.  They make everybody look 30 pounds heavier.
3. No, no no.  I think you have an overactive Thyroid.
4. No.  Of course not, it's the print.  Stripes tend to make you look like a zebra on the Serengeti, but not fat.
5. Yes.  YoufatbitchIhateyouKissmyassWhydoyouconstantlyputmeonthespotwithyourfuckingselfabsorbedparanoiaschizophrenticludicrousquestions?!?!?!?!?BEE-otch!!!

Now a few for the skinny bitches, who think they are fat.

"Do I look like I've gained or [am gaining] weight?"

1. Christ, if you turned sideways I wouldn't know you were even in the room.  Eat a cracker or something.
2. Honey, I've farted out more weight than you are carrying.
3. Maybe.  I think I can now see 20 of your 24 ribs.
4. I don't know.  Have you jammed your finger down your throat yet today?
5. Why don't you go ask that to the lady across the room.  The one wearing the couch.

I've dated a few chubbies in my life.  I found them pleasurable.  They're willing to try anything more so then those skinny fashion magazine clones.  I had one or two of those types too.  I know hard to believe I could get more than one lady up to their boudoir.  Everyone has weak moments in their lives.  One gal's weak moment is Daddy Tom's conquest.  Yeah, baby, yeah!

Truth be told.  I prefer a girl with a little meat on her.  I mean I don't want to go BJ's or Sam's Club discount warehouse meat.  Just enough so if I give the gal a good hug I won't hear the tender snapping of kindling.  Wouldn't want to be the cause of some in the flesh stick figure's death.  Can you imagine the looks and murmurs I'd get at her funeral?

Skinny Bitch #1:  "That's him.  He's the SOB that killed sweet DeeDee."

Emaciated Bitch #2:  "Ooooh!  What did he do?"

Skinny Bitch #1:  "They were in bed.  Sleeping.  He rolled over on her.  Broke her spine."

Emaciated Bitch #2:  "Oh, that BASTARD!!!"

Or something like that.

Like I said, I love women even horrible, nagging shrews that are my mother incarnate.  I prefer a woman with something more than a hand rail to hold onto.  So ladies, love who you are and love those who appreciate you for who you are.