Beer

I know most of you or at least some of you are really feeling cooped up and are going crazy not being able to leave the house and go to your usual haunts: The Malls, The Bars, The Restaurants, etc. I know how you feel. I miss, well, none of that. I don't have any favorite places that I frequent more than home. I am a firm believer that one should never drink at home and certainly never alone. That's just plain too sad. But I'd like to virtual drink with you today. A subject that has always fascinated me is beer.

Many years ago, about 20 - 25 years to be more precise, I was became a hobbyist of zymology. I was a novice zymologist. What is a zymologist? A brewmaster. A brewer. Someone who makes beer. I thought it would be fun. It was, but it was so damn expensive and a lot of work.

There are many places you can purchase kits and equipment. The local beer store may carry kits. Even your supermarket may have something like this. The places that you really want to seek out are the Homebrew Suppliers. You will have to Google an address. I'm sure there's one in a neighborhood near you.

You can start as simple as a buying a one-off kit. Once and done. One brew and enjoy. Or you can go into a great deal of expense, which I did, and purchase tubs, 5 gallon jugs for fermentation, tubing, hydrometer, etc. There's all kinds of equipment involved. Then you have your ingredients: Hops, Yeast, Grains like Malted Barley, Maize (Corn), etc. and then water. You can use tap, which I did, but you can also use spring water, distilled water, etc. Becoming a mini-micro-brewer is easy. You need dedication and a location. Your kitchen and the cooperation of anyone living with you, who will allow you to make a mess of that kitchen. And you will. It's a messy process.

A typical once and done brew kit

It's perfectly legal to brew your own beer without permits or licensing if you are brewing for noncommercial use (personal consumption). However, I do know someone who brews their own moonshine for personal consumption and sells to friends, which is illegal, but who am I to judge. I like what they make. 

Historically, homebrewing was illegal until President Jimmy Carter signed the bill, H.R. 1337, into law in 1978. Happy days are here again! After that, zymology books started appearing on bookstore shelves. Homebrew suppliers opened all across the U.S. In most countries, homebrewing is legal. Countries where it is illegal are: Iran, Ukraine, Malaysia and Faroe Islands, to name a few.

If you trust the online community, which did not exist 20 years ago, you can purchase equipment, recipes (some are shared for free), and ingredients to be shipped surreptitiously to your home. Surreptitiously because you won't realize how many friends you have until it's known that you have homemade FREE beer. Prices run from as low as $80 to the sky's the limit. Like I said, if you really get into it, you can expand to a whole system that could take up your garage or basement.

My first brew was a lager-ale. It was successful and tasted as good as store bought brands. However, it had sediment on the bottle which you do not want to drink. It tastes like shit. And I don't mean actual excrement. I've never tasted so I could not confirm if they actually taste authentically like poop. It was suggested to pour your beer from the bottle into a mug and not drink from the bottle. I passed a few bottles out to friends, family and neighbors, who concurred that it was not bad. That's a win in my book.

My second brew was a dark porter. This was looked upon favorably by my sampled guests. However, I had not realized how much I didn't like dark beer until I made this batch and had a case of it to drink. Eventually, I poured a six pack down the drain. 

Occasionally when I went to a bar or restaurant, I'd ask for a Black and Tan (Guinness on top of a light beer like Bass Pale Ale). Mixing the two types of beer can be very tasty. Putting one together from two homebrew recipes resulted in a very cloudy disaster that was not at all palatable.

From The Spruce Eats website, an article written by Colleen Graham listed a few recipe variations: 

• Black and Blue: Blue Moon topped with Guinness.
• Black and Brown: Newcastle Brown Ale topped with Guinness.
• Black and Gold: Hard cider like Angry Orchard or Magners topped with Guinness.
• Black and Red: Raspberry lambic topped with chocolate stout. Or Killian's Irish Red topped with Guinness.
• Black and Orange: Pumpkin ale topped with a stout.
• Black and White: Any light-colored beer topped with a stout.

As my intention was not to make this an introduction or a training for homebrewing as much as to note my beer drinking choices.

Like many young men, we are first introduced to beer by our fathers or uncles. I know I was because all my male relatives liked to drink. My first beer may have been a Rheingold or a Ballantine, possibly a Carling's Black Label, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Schaefer or a Schlitz. You know the old joke: When you're out of beer, tough Schlitz. As you mature, you refine your tastes or just expand them or just drink whatever that guy is drinking.

Eventually, you fall into the bad habit of drinking piss water with your crew, buddies, homies and best friends. I'm speaking: Budweiser, Busch, Miller High Life, Miller Lite and Old Milwaukee. I could never drink this swill, especially Lite beer. It made me gassy. I remember coming home to my soon to be bride after my bachelor party where my brother-in-law/best man and his friends took me out drinking and to a strip club. (Somewhere there's a Polaroid of me with a naked young lady. I was wearing clothes. She was wearing just a smile.) We drank Lite all night. Ugh! My future spouse abandoned the bed and bedroom because I sleepfarted (it really should be a word) from the time I hit the sheets until I woke the next morning. My stomach was angry with me for the next two days also.

Beers were very regional in the 1950s and 1960s. There were national producers but many went with the hometown brew. If you grew up in the shade of New York City, you might have drank Rheingold, Ballantine, Piels or Schaefer. If you grew up in Philadelphia, you might have drank Schmidt's or Yeungling. In Pittsburgh, Duquesne Pilsener and Iron City Lager may have been your beer. 

When beer production expanded nationally by the top 4 beer producers (Anheiser-Busch, Miller, Coors and Pabst), a lot of the smaller breweries faded away (Stroh's, Schmidt's, Ballantine, Rheingold, Schaefer, etc.). We were left with lots of choices but all being brewed by a few brewery giants. You had choices, but not like you have today.

Today the majority of beer is still produced by 5 major beer manufacturers (ABinBev-SAB Miller, MolsonCoors, Heineken, Diageo and Carlsberg Group). After the birth of the microbrewery, there were literally thousands of breweries throughout North America. In Pennsylvania, there are 300 licensed breweries. This includes breweries that ship product to retailers as well as those that only serve their brews at their establishments. There are so many choices. I'm giddy. There's a microbrewery in my current hometown. I could walk to it. We live in amazing times...for beer. New York state has over 320 breweries. In New York City there are over 30 mostly in Brooklyn and Queens. None have been established in Manhattan. I guess they're wine drinkers.

With so much product, you will need several lifetimes to taste every single brew produced, just in the United States. This leads up to the question: To homebrew or not to homebrew? Unless you are going to open up a microbrew restaurant or drinking establishment, I'd say don't homebrew. It's a lot of time taken away from serious drinking and what you produce will never top the shit that you can buy in the package store, beer distributor or your local brewpub and save some money to boot. 

Before I reveal my list of beers I have tried, I'd like to share what is the number one best selling beer in the world. It is Snow. I know I never heard of it either. It's sold only in China. I assume that everybody in China drinks this swill, being China has the largest population in the world. Therefore, it would have to be the most purchased beer in the world. (Are we sure China gave us an honest count of Coronavirus patients and deaths? I think they lied. Fahken bastards!)

A Wall of Beer

Now the fun list. This may be long. Keep in mind there are over 300,000 beers in the world. I now give you - The Beers I drank (not at one sitting):

Amstel

Ballantine

Bass

Beck's

Blue Moon

Brooklyn Brown Ale

Budweiser

Busch

Colt 45

Coors

Corona (my current beer of choice)

Dos Equis (another of my go-to Mexican choices)

Foster's

Genesee

Grolsch

Guinness

Harp

Heineken (popular in the '70s and '80s, but I hated it)

Keystone Ice

Labatt

Landshark

Leinenkugel's

Lowenbrau

Michelob (I was a Michelob man in the late 1970s, until I refined my taste buds.)

Miller (fart beer and gives you the shits!)

Modelo (my second choice but is creeping up the ladder chasing Corona)

Molson

Moosehead

Natural Light

Old Milwaukee

Pabst Blue Ribbon

Piels

Red's Apple Ale (not really a beer, but an ale fits best in a list of beers.)

Red Stripe

Rolling Rock

Sam Adams

Schaefer

Schlitz

Schmidt's

Stella Artois

Stroh's

Tsingtao (Chinese beer)

Yuengling

This list may not be complete because the mind does not recall all like it once did. Also, any light, dark, or specials are included in the major brand name. I also have not included any microbrew, because I can't remember them either.

As for microbrew, the first one I ever tried was Victory Brewing Company of Downingtown, PA opened in 1996. I can't claim the fame that I was one of the first customers, but I was there shortly after it opened. I don't remember what I ordered, but I drank it and all was grand. I also have visited on many occasions the Iron Hill (also founded in 1996) brewery/restaurant. My first time was shortly after it opened the West Chester, PA location in 1998. I also visited their Huntingdon Valley, PA (shortly after it opened) and the North Wales, PA locations. I am a trendsetter. Which is why I drink Modelo often. As I am a hipster douche as some asshole wrote in an article about beers. I won't mention him or his article because he's a fahkhead. 

Enough for now. I'm getting thirsty. Meet me at the nearest brewpub...after lockdown is through. Until next time, TTFN.